The LG Autobiography of Victoriah Nichole Little
A history and explanation of my LG life
Updated October, 2008
Throughout my life, there were times when certain things happened, or certain desires or personality traits made themselves known in me that never added up until I made the LG discovery. I now understand that these were times when Vickie was asserting her personality within me, but at the time they were things that just looked like nothing more than broken puzzle pieces – with some pieces still missing, I couldn’t see the picture.
Going back to the start of what I can remember, I recall that I always had a flair for dressing my stuffed animals in baby clothes, much like a little girl dresses her dollies. I vividly remember a time when I was three or four and had announced that my bear (named “Bear”) was in need of a new outfit. My mother dug out several outfits, one of which was a stunningly feminine red velvet dress with white trim. I wanted very badly to use it, but she said Bear was a boy and wouldn’t like that, so I settled for something else. Personally, I think Bear would have loved it.
My sister had doll houses. She used to play with me and she would let me play in her doll house with her. My Dad found out and made me stop once, which actually brought me to tears. I don’t remember if that was the last time I played in the doll house (as a child) or not. As time went on, my sister passed down several play people to me – the kind you can use in a doll house. I learned that I could craft a very interesting doll house out of shoe boxes and cardboard, using cardboard and small wood pieces to construct furniture. I wish I still had some of those things I made then today. I also made great use of weeble wobbles (anyone remember them?) and the sets I had for them – a Mickey Mouse clubhouse, a camper, and a Disneyworld Castle! These were just like dollhouses and I adored them. Later I also had a tree-house type of dollhouse, which I used extensively. I also found out Lego blocks and even dominoes could be used to construct such structures. It is interesting what a child’s mind will come up with when left to it’s own devices and necessity.
From the time I was a baby all the way up til I was a young teenager, I was often mistaken for a girl. I had very fair skin and a gentle manner. My eyelashes were and still are extremely long. My features were and still are very small and feminine. My hair had a tendency to grow fast and curl in a cute manner in the back. It didn’t help that I absolutely could not ever stand to cut my fingernails. My parents tell me that people were always telling them what a lovely little girl I was. At the time I am sure I thought I hated it. Today I yearn for it.
When I started school, the differences became marked. I stood out from the other boys. It made me a target for being made fun of right from the very beginning. I never understood why me until much later. ALL my friends were girls – I was just naturally drawn to them. I didn’t like any of the things the boys did at recess, so I played with the girls. I was good at jump rope; I absolutely loved the swings. I would come home and tell my Mom or anyone who asked what I had done all day, and it was always filled with girl’s names. When someone would say, “But those are all girl’s names,” I would answer, “Well they are all girls!” It never occurred to me that this was different. The girls were my friends – they were who I played with. But as time went on, the girls didn’t really want me around either – I was still a boy. The boys games didn’t interest me and the girls didn’t want me, so I became somewhat of a loner. After awhile I made one friend that played with me. Ironically, it was a boy. He also had a little sister that started to play with us too. She had a crush on me, but I was too dumb to realize it then.
In First Grade I had a teacher who decided she was going to try to break my feminine nature. She changed our seating arrangement in the class, and purposefully placed me in a row of all girls. I noticed it quickly, then realized that it was a row of all girls in the other direction as well, so that I was surrounded by girls. Supposedly this was taboo to first grade boys, but someone forgot to tell me that. As far as I was concerned, I was sitting by my friends.
I was always so little. Always the shortest in my class until 11th grade. There was actually a girl shorter than me in 11th grade, and I remember that made me ecstatic lol. Being this small made it hard to find clothes that would fit me. They would either be too long in the legs or too tight in the waist. The boy sizes just WOULD NOT fit me one year while back to school shopping. My mother determined that 6X girl’s clothes would fit me, and took me to the girls department to shop for jeans. We bought several pair. I remember being horrified by the whole thing at the time, and my Mom threatening me that if I didn’t stop complaining about it she would buy me a dress to wear. Wish I would have made one more complaint now J Of course at school, only I knew that I had on girl’s jeans.
Speaking of clothes, let me tell you about my favorite shirt ever. In Seventh Grade, I had this light blue shirt. It was made of a nylon shiny material – maybe rayon? It snapped down the front, and had white fringe across the chest and down both sleeves. It was a Western shirt, and to this day I have never seen another like it, but the closest I have seen were all girl’s shirts. I often wonder if that was a girl’s shirt – I know there was a girl named Genelle who always wanted to borrow it.
Fast forward through the rest of my school years until 12th grade. They were dark and depressing anyway. In 12th grade at a retreat, we had an initiation for the Freshmen. A few freshmen boys were chosen to be blindfolded and taken outside. They had me come up – the Senior boy with the most girlish legs, and put on a nylon stocking. They told the boys they were going to feel the leg of a Senior girls and had to guess who it was (not as hard as it sounds – we only have twelve people in our class, five of whom were girls). To make it more realistic, they had me sit between two of our class girls who would giggle if my feet got tickled to make the boys think it was one of them. They never did figure out it was me lol.
Looking back on all this, one can see how I was left with a lot of puzzle pieces, but missing the key pieces to put it together into something that made sense. The Internet was NOT readily available to me as I was growing up. I did know about ABies because I have a brother who is one, and he told me all about them. Halfway through my first year of preaching school, I got a computer and got on the Internet, and was able to explore the huge world of ideas. I had a LOT of stuff on ABies and it was interesting and satisfying to me, but I knew there was something more complex going on with me than that.
During this period of time, I also met some friends who made a huge impact on my life. We became very close and I became an adopted member of their family. Often, I babysat the two little girls. We got along very well because I would play their games of tag and such with them, and actually have fun doing it. The younger daughter took to putting my hair into pigtails from the time she was about 7 until she was 10. That brings us to December 19, 1999. That day she was doing this, and she took it a step further and used make-up on me. Somehow, I was talked further into wearing one of the older daughter’s dresses (yes – it actually fit me). It was a green velvet stretch dress, and actually looked pretty cute on me. The next thing I knew, as my two adopted sisters searched for an appropriate girl name for me, someone said, “Call me Vickie!” It took a second to realize that came from MY mouth. I let Vickie come out – she played with dolls and stayed dressed that way all afternoon, and after that there was just no hiding her away again. Now that Vickie was freed from my repressed soul, she was going to “run amuck”, so to speak. Later, I chose the formal spelling Victoriah and added the middle name Nichole. My age was never in question – I knew I was 6 from the very beginning. Little, my last name, came a bit later and was because of my LG Sister, Karen Marie Little, but that is another story. From the very start I liked to add “Lil’” at the beginning of my name – not sure why that is.
That night I had time to sit down and reflect on it, how the dress brought out something in me, and changed everything. I realized that I had found the missing piece, if only I could figure out how it fit. Of course, by this time I knew that the Internet has all the answers lol. I found lots of ABY sites – not what I wanted. I found Betty Pearls and Mrs. Silks – not me there either. Pettipond was interesting, but somehow I missed the LG part of it Tessy had there at the time. I found Echo Productions and knew that was definitely not me.
Then I found the site of an LG named Rebecca, and I realized – this was it! What I had been looking for! Links led me to sites by Catrina and Sarah Jayne and Debbie Sanderson, further confirming my quest had been successful. I emailed Rebecca, who helped me get mIRC on my computer so I could chat to other LGs. There I met Catrina and Arcee. Eventually this led me to Petticoat Pond chat, where I met those who eventually became sisters and cherished friends.
I threw myself into it completely. After all, here was an LG spirit who had not been fed or nurtured in me for 25 years. She wanted all she could get. I started writing The Chronicles Of Vickie a week after my discovery of Vickie, and in the years that have passed since then, I have really been completely transformed. Some things about me changed so completely that people spotted the change quickly and even commented on it. They thought it had to do with moving to Alabama – and that also was part of it. It was a lot of change, all at once. Discovering Vickie was definitely the way to close out a year of change such as 1999 was for me.
In my four years since discovering my LG, I have become well-known in the LG community as Victoriah Nichole. I have been to every LG Camp since my first in November 2001, and was honored to organize LG Camp XI and LG Camp XIV (in the Spring of 2009, I will be organizing LG Camp XXIII. I am a long standing member and Moderator at Girltalk. I have several websites, the most current being quite large and it is my pride and joy, and I am the creator and editress of the webzine, Knuffles, The Magazine.
Outside of the LG and LG aware communities, not many know specifically that I am LG. They do note definite changes to who I am. I have also been quite the exhibitionist on Halloween, dressing for parties with my Christian college friends – twice I have gone dressed as a girl. The first time was as a Catholic Schoolgirl with the cutest jumper and tights and hat. Some of the girls said I was WAY too realistic, and one tripped me up a bit in my “story” when she asked me if I tried the jumper on in the store, and when I told her of COURSE not she wanted to know how I knew what size to get.
Along with that costume, I had painted my nails with pink glitter nail polish (if you are planning to remove it right away, don’t use the glitter type!) I left the nail polish on the table. The guy I shared a house with then got a girlfriend over Christmas Break, and brought her to the house – she found the nail polish and asked if it was his. Without any explanation, he just told her, “No – it’s my room mate's.” When I met her several months later, I never knew he didn’t tell her why I had it, so when it came up in conversation, she gave me this strange look and said, “Um – it was a pretty color….!”
In 2004, I was somehow outed to a person in my congregation. I was asked point blank if I dressed as a girl, and it shocked me so much to be asked that I gave myself away before even answering. I made a defense but the five men in the council were not interested in hearing it – they had held a meeting in my absence that I knew nothing about, and had already made up their minds before even hearing me. I asked who my accuser was, but they refused to tell me. I know they did not get it from my web site, and it wasn’t anyone in my congregation, but beyond that I am clueless as to who told whom what. It took me awhile to get back on track and it did perhaps jade me a little bit both to those who call themselves "the church" but are not, and those who are untrustworthy LGs. Today I know a little better to try to protect myself - without becoming so private that I cut myself off from other LGs. This is a hard balance. If you'd like to read more about my struggle with being outed and losing my job, my home, and many friends and how I began to overcome that, the story is found in the TG Ministry section of this site.
Whatever the future holds, the past has been quite a trip, and the present has me doing all I can. I’ve figured out the puzzle, weathered the storm of being outed, made plans for the future, and had a load of fun and learning along the way. And that’s quite an accomplishment….for a six-year-old!
Lil’ Vickie is: A six year old Wisconsin girl with long dark hair and big gray eyes.
Favorite Things: Coffee, reading, kitties, traveling, Bible study, pirogis, and velvet dresses!
Favorite Colors: Purple! And black velvet. And NO, I am not Gothe
Dislikes: Eggs, peas, or beans (eww!). Boys! (they gots cooties)
Trademarks: "Knuffles!"